I've had a rough time figuring out how I identify in terms of gender and sexuality. I currently present myself as a cisgender lesbian using she/they pronouns, and it feels right. But it took a long time to get here.
Pre-school
When I was about four I was already fueling my internalized homophobia. I was driving past a church with my mom and I suddenly came up with the concept of lesbians. I have no idea how, but I did. And of course, I came up with the concept of homophobia right after. The conversation went something with me saying,
"Hey mom, do you think two girls are getting married in that church?" My mom responded with," Uh, I don't know sweetie. Maybe." And right off the bat I answered, "I don't like it. God made it so only girls and boys get married."
My mom was shocked, as I had never been told about anything relating to homosexuality. She tried to convince me that two girls getting married was okay, but I was having non of it. Looking back I have two reactions. The first is amusement, but the second is a bit of sadness. Because that moment was the beginning of future trauma, identity crises, and self- invalidation.
Kindergarten
The next year, kindergarten, I started playing make believe with a friend at the after school program. We were playing as characters from Scooby Doo. I was Daphne and she was one of the Hex Girls. It was a romance though, so we agreed it was the Hex Boys. We ended up kissing during a movie (just a quick peck- we were five!), which ended up being a hilarious because one of the teenage volunteers saw us and gave us an awkward talk about no kissing during school.
Upper-Elementary School
Flash forward to fourth grade when I first started watching She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. I grew up with that show, all the way to when in ended when I was in sixth grade. (I came out a year later). But when It first began, I already began seeing Catra and Adora as a possible couple. This is because I had met my first gay friend(s). Mia, Emily, Jordan, and Isabella. These guys were my people back then. I had just switched schools, but I became fast friends with them. They started coming out, one by one, and at first, I was a bit weirded out. I tried to hide it because, hey, these guys were my best friends! I later grew to accept and even support it, but because I was friends with them, I got nervous about people thinking I was gay. So I made up a crush on a fifth grader named Nick, who I had met in the school musical. He was young Simba, while I was Timon in the Lion King.
Middle School
Then I go to sixth grade, and two things happen. The last season of She-Ra happens, and the first episode of the Owl House happen. And that's when I really got thinking about who I was. Up until that point, had identified as straight, ignoring all the tell-tale signs, like having a crush on my best friend, or liking Hamilton AND Percy Jackson. But with the ending of She-Ra, and what happened during that ending, it had gotten me a bit shaken. But I was still straight. "Normal. I was a perfect student, straight A's, top of my class in history and ELA. I loved reading and didn't cause trouble.
Then came seventh grade.
I had major depressive and suicidal episodes, and my anxiety was peaking like never before. I hid myself in my room and hurt myself over the course of many months. It was hell year. It was also that summer when I came out to my family as bisexual. I don't know why I said bisexual, because I knew I didn't like boys, or even people who are non-binary. I just spit it out, because I wanted them to think I at least liked boys. It was stupid, but I was scared they would hate me if I didn't like guys too.
Summer before eight grade arrived, and by then, all my friends I had made in past years had come out. Go figure. By then, I had come out to my family, and friends. My aunt wasn't supportive because of her religious beliefs, but hey, she took me to see Hamilton for Christmas, so all was forgiven. Fun fact- I played music from The Prom the entire drive to the theatre because I'm just the petty. Then came that July, when I went to see my step-dad's side of the family. I came out to them all, and on his sister's side, they were all super supportive. The brothers side, I can't say as much. It was an awful vacation, we had screaming fight, and I had cried enough to double the Atlantic Ocean. It was rough, and I didn't see them until this Thanksgiving, over a year after.
Current Time- High School
Now, I'm a freshman in high school. And I'm doing much better. I've come a long way with mental health, and I have the best friends I could ask for. My girlfriend and I will celebrate our one-year anniversary on Valentines Day of 2023. I'm in the theatre program, and I'm planning to start a GSA my sophomore year. I still love the previously mentioned cartoons, and then some. Still a Percy Jackson kid (Lin-Manuel Miranda as Hermes!!!), and a swiftie. I'm happy. I guess I made this post to say that it gets better. I was in a super dark place, about two years ago, and now I'm in the happiest period of my life. I know this post is all over the place and very chaotic, but hey, so am I!
-Lin
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